Yes, I Want to Lose Weight

At some point in society, saying you want to lose weight fell out of fashion. Maybe this is a remnant of the fat-acceptance movement. Maybe people tired of failing on the scale and turned to the more general term “healthy.” And maybe I was one of them.

But I was lying to myself. I want to lose weight. I need to lose weight. While I’m not sure which is the chicken and which the egg, I am positive these two notions are connected.

After gaining ten pounds in a month, I felt terrible. I was running some during this time but doing little else. This can’t continue, exactly what I said over 14 months ago.

The failures don’t bother me, much. At least I was trying. When I just let myself go, that gets to me. Don’t lose control.

Now, my goals are weight loss and completing a half-marathon in October. My goal for the race is set a personal record (PR). It only really means something to me and I’m going to get it a heck of a fight. To reach that goal will be much easier if I’m another 15-20 pounds lighter. More incentive to lose some weight.

I’m not going to tell anyone else to lose a few pounds, that’s a personal decision. I’m also not going to apologize for taking the steps necessary for me to drop the excess 60+ pounds that hang on my body.

What I’m most surprised about, and what spurred me to write this post, is that I am getting the most flak from my fellow fat people. When I’ve talked openly about weight loss, they lecture me about health being the priority or derisively dismiss the steps I’m taking to drop the pounds. The community where I thought I’d have the most support is most often judgmental and dismissive.

This saddens me because I support all of you, as long as your methods are not dangerous (like eating disorders). I’ve got your back weather or not you’ve got mine. Lose weight, don’t, whatever you want.

I do hope someday soon you join me in standing up and saying weight loss goals are ok, even good. Maybe we’d all feel better if we dropped some lbs. and set some new goals.

Sled Dogs, Whales, Glaciers & Oprah

It’s 4:31am and I’m wide awake. Quietly I get out of bed and find some workout clothes in the dark. As my family sleeps, I’m going to explore the ship.

We are on our way from Seattle to Juneau with my family, 12 of us, in tow. The ship is quiet and I’m hoping to find a track around the perimeter to get in a run. I head up the stairs until the sign for the tenth floor entices me to head outside.

A crisp, salty breeze greets me and I’m blown away by the view. The sky is beautiful and all I see is water. No one else is up and out here. On a ship with a few thousand people, I really take the time to savor this moment alone.

I decide to walk around until I see some stairs where I stop to meditate. Never have I relaxed during a session like I did this special morning. The quiet that enveloped me was a what I imagine monks feel as they pursue enlightenment. And when I opened my eyes, I saw this:

The sheer beauty is seared in my memory. The feeling of being the only one on the deck witnessing this instant, amazing.

Soon the crew started to bustle and I explored the other levels, never finding the track, which was disappointing but I would not have changed this start of the trip.

Heading down to breakfast, I expected to read a little and relax before the family decided to get up.  Soon after I grabbed a cup of coffee and sat down, the first pod of whales showed up and a half-dozen early risers were in awe.

No matter what happened from here, I would cherish and protect this morning forever. And it only got better because the special moments to come were shared with family.

In Juneau, my daughter, Lily, was in heaven. She studied the Iditarod in school and has loved sled dogs. Now, she met these special animals and we were all pulled around a track by them. We all had a great time but maybe none more than my beautiful daughter.

Then a couple of things happened to make the day even more spectacular. First, the tour group driver took a detour for us to glimpse a glacier. I was 20 miles away and still awe-inspiring. Even the kids were floored. (It’s wayyy back there, I swear!)

While we were enjoying the view, my dad got a message asking, “Do you want to go to the Oprah dinner?” Did I mention Oprah (and Gayle) were on the cruise? Well after the cruise was booked, Holland America made a deal with O, the Magazine, and we would see Oprah. Not life changing, but it isn’t often you get a picture with a billionaire.

There was an entire restaurant full of people and it was just a picture. The best moment is when Oprah tried to hold our two-year-old, Michaela, and she said, “No Oprah.” Kids are darn funny.

The next day we were in Glacier Bay, a national park that is more pristine than I could have imagined. The silence broken only by the gunshot-like cracking of a glacier was spectacular. Even more special, all 12 of us witnessed this together in my parent’s suite. We couldn’t have asked for more.

From there, we went to hear a talk by Oprah. I didn’t have big expectations for this part of the trip but was pleasantly surprised. Oprah is dynamic, insightful, and genuinely caring. One of her best point was to “listen to the whispers.” You know, those times there is something telling you to do or not do something. Listen to them before they become pebbles. But most of us don’t listen until the whispers become bricks and we are getting hit full-on with reality. Oprah found a way to listen to the whispers and it has worked out ok for her.

Better yet that night was what I saw when I peeked through the door into the kids’ adjoining room. My three and their cousin, Claire, all together on a twin bed. The love and joy they exuded was something I soon won’t forget.

Then on to Sitka where all 12 of us did a wildlife tour. We saw everything – eagles, otters, whales, and even a momma bear with three cubs. That just doesn’t happen. The pictures here cannot do the day justice, so below is when I told Michaela there were no more otters to see, so funny!

Our final stop in Alaska was in Ketchikan and this was the first time we split up as a family for excursions. I went with Gretchen and Daniel to check out the Aleutian Ballad, a boat that was caught up in a big storm in season two of Deadliest Catch.

The stories and getting to learn about crab fishing were unforgettable. We were told we would not have a crab feast at the end, so Gretchen considered taking matters into her own hands.

The big surprise involved eagles. We saw a couple dozen of them.  Click the “Eagles” link below for one video in slow motion that gives you a good glimpse of what was happening.


Next, we went to Victoria, Canada. Victoria is stunning and I was excited to possibly meet up with a couple of people from the Sub-30 Club. Well, best intentions don’t always work out but I’ll be back and we’ll meet up then.

In the meantime, we toured the beautiful city and got to stop at Timmy’s (Tim Horton’s), so that was great!

Finally, we motored back to Seattle to end our whirlwind week at sea. I skipped the beginning of the trip in Seattle, which was great. I ran twice there and really enjoyed it. I only ran once more on the trip while in Ketchikan and that was only a mile before rain took over. Given that the parts of Alaska we were in are situated in a rain forest, I expected to get a little wet and at least I got to run while in Alaska.

The trip was everything we hoped for. Personally, I let myself go as far as health leading up to the trip and ate anything I could while on the ship. The evil goodness got me. No use fretting that, so I have concentrated on fixing it in the two weeks since our return and things are on track.

We want to thank my mom and dad for putting this trip together and taking the entire family. Spending time together outshines even the most beautiful places we experienced in Alaska. Watching the kids bond, sharing meals, witnessing animals in the wild together, these are the things I’ll remember most.

But that first morning on the ship captures my personal quest. My goal is to find that place of tranquility in everyday life. While I can’t do it in the middle of the ocean, I can find in our own little oasis surrounded by those that love me.


You’re Not THAT Big

“You’re not THAT big.”

I’ve heard way too many times over the years. It is often paired with, “You look good.” And it really gets to me.

It likely isn’t said with any other intent than trying to be nice. Maybe they are even being sincere. I’ll take motive out of the equation and make it solely about why it bothers me.

I’m big. That is a statement of fact right now. I’m 5’8″ and 215-225 pounds on any given week. That is obese. I say fat which seems to still bother some people, but it is just a synonym to me.

What bothers me is the comparison. “Not THAT big.” In other words, we live in a time where being morbidly obese is big but obese is somehow normal. I’m not fat shaming at all. There are healthy fat people. However, extra weight comes with issues from health to general aches and pains. Those are facts. In general, obesity is a marker for dangerous health risks and that is why I work on my weight, regardless of how I look.

My point is “not THAT big” is not complimentary. It’s not healthy for me to be this size. I get that my weight is someone else’s goal and if they are 300 pounds now, 225 would make them healthier. That doesn’t mean I’m not too big and need to get to a weight where I’ll be healthier.

Or maybe I’m being too sensitive. Do other fat people have an issue when they hear this? It could be my insecurities.

I heard this last night at an event I was working. Who knew people read this blog outside of family, friends, and some social media groups I’m a part of? Well, that was the one that struck me.

I saw a friend and she said to her friend, “This is the guy that writes FatMan Chronicles.” The friend said, “Oh, I really related to your blog. But you’re not THAT big.”

The shock of the statement was more about the first part. And I know that this wonderful woman was being complimentary. She thought I’d look bigger in person. She told me she has always struggled with weight and that she appreciated my approach.

All that is awesome. She didn’t mean anything by the statement and it was likely more spur of the moment.

It’s what I said earlier – it is somehow normal to be my size in our world. I’m not ok with this at all. If this is normal, our health, as a society, is at great risk. We will have even more rampant heart disease and cancer. Even forgetting the ridiculous monetary cost, including rapidly rising health insurance premiums, think about how many loved ones we will have to care for that are prematurely sick. That future scares me. And I’m part of the problem.

Now that I’ve painted that bleak picture, there’s so much hope. I run several days per week and I see others like me out there too – running, biking, walking, hiking. People with some (or a lot) of excess weight. They are trying and so many are fighting the good fight. We all, likely, need to eat a bit less and most of us are working on that too.

Hopefully, we don’t get used to thinking obese guys like me aren’t THAT big. We need to bring our average weight down because our collective health depends on it.

Happy New Year!

I’m declaring July 1st New Year’s Day. My calendar year has been ok so far. I’ve had ups and downs but overall, pretty good. The issue is these last couple of weeks have been a big struggle. And I’m ready for a fresh start.

My New Year doesn’t have to be anyone else’s, although I’d invite anyone else that wants to have a fresh start along for the ride. This New Year isn’t about resolutions or empty promises. This New Year is about reflection and action.

For too long, I’ve compared myself to others. I don’t think, “I wish I looked like that guy” or “I wish I was as fast as that woman.” What I do is more, “Someone else has it tougher, so what the hell is wrong with you?”

Slowly, I’ve come to realize my struggle is my struggle. Your struggle is your struggle. It’s personal. Maybe someone has a dreaded illness and that’s why they are having a hard time. Yes, I am blessed that I don’t, but it doesn’t make my issues less real, less destructive.

Time to really own this. I’ll continue to find inspiration and support from so many people in my life and, I hope, for all those yet to come. I won’t compare myself to you though, which is likely good for both of us.

I’m going to look deep. I’m going to listen more. I’m going to turn into the skid and confront my demons head on. I’ve looked you in the eye but I flinched. Now, you are mine. I’ll own you with every pounding step, every good food choice, every quality minute I spend with my family. Be scared because the fire has been building and I can feel the renewal surging through my blood.

Dramatic? Yep. And no apologies. Time to take what I do in my professional life and bring it home. Innovate or wither away. The time is now. Happy New Year!

I Meditated for 10 Days and This is What Happened

I’m not a meditating type of guy. Over the years, many people have suggested this to me – for good reason. Quick tempered for all too much of my life, I could use a way to chill. Type A kind of guy, yeah, I could use some tools to get myself to relax.

As I’ve noted many times, I listen to a ton of podcasts. Many podcasts feature people I admire and a trait shared by 80%+ of them is meditation. Maybe I should give it a shot.

I downloaded the Headspace app and did the free Take 10 program. For 10 days in a row, for 10 minutes, I sat down, turned on the app and did what Andy told me to do. Spoiler alert – it worked and I love it.

Here’s the top four things that happened:

  1. My resting heart rate fell from 74bpm to 65bpm. The only thing I changed was the 10 minutes of meditation each morning. A 12% drop in my average resting heart rate is a big deal for this big guy.
  2. I can quiet my mind. Who knew? My mind is a beast that I’ve never been able to tame. I flit from one idea to the next and rarely have been able to easily center myself. That doesn’t mean I cannot concentrate on a task. What it means is in the downtime, my mind has gone off on its own and it often was not healthy. Now, I have a way to gently bring my mind back to the center, allowing for a calmness I did not believe could exist for me.
  3. When I relax, my body really itches. I haven’t looked this up and maybe it is common, but I find it odd. In a strange way, I also find it comforting because I’m able to feel such minute changes while meditating. Is this some way of connecting with my body? All I know is I itch, good, bad or indifferent.
  4. My life is better with meditation and I’m going to continue. I’ve downloaded a new app to try. If I don’t like it, I’ll pay the subscription to Headspace because I like Andy’s process and a few bucks a month is more than worth it. More importantly, I crave the serenity, the mindful process, in the morning. It is a way to start my day to make the rest of it better.

Will meditation work for everyone? I doubt it. Like most things in life, you have to want to try it. Coming at it as a bit of a skeptic, I was blown away by the immediate results. When my heart rate during the process was down in the low fifties, I knew something good was happening. Also, I am just more awake and aware before any coffee is even in my system.

I should also say that meditation, the way I’m approaching it and the type of guided routines I’m using, is about mindfulness. It is about awareness and finding a way to gain some semblance of control over my mind and body. It is not sitting in a blinding white tunic in the middle of a meadow and clearing my mind. This “guru” picture is what I always thought meditation was like. It isn’t if you don’t want it to be.

As I gain more experience, I hope to find a way to improve other aspects of my life with the tools the discipline teaches. I already believe this will be possible if I am dedicated and patient. If I can use this to stop eating that darn Portillo’s lemon cake,  then it may be the most powerful force on earth.

Sometimes You Have to Suck It Up

Last night was fun. We spent time with some great friends we had not seen in a while. Our hosts are incredible cooks. We brought a few bottles of wine. I may have had too good of a time.

We ate a lot. Thankfully, I was driving, so my wine intake was very modest. But I ate so much I could not sleep. When it was time to get up and run this morning, I didn’t do it.

I spent the better part of the morning with my two-year-old daughter, Michaela, as my wife went out for a mani/pedi. In between playing, reading, and making my little one laugh, I did ten minutes of daily meditation. After Michaela tired of daddy time, I knew my wife would be home soon and I logged on to see what the Sub-30 Club was up to.

When my wife arrived home a little after 11am, I had some choices to make. Reading the Sub-30 posts provided plenty of inspiration. The 82-degree heat and 85% humidity de-inspired.

Then I thought about my cousin and her team doing the Avon 39 walk this weekend. My cousin was out in this heat raising funds for breast cancer research. She had put my mom’s name on her shirt. To top it off, my mom’s last day of chemo was this last Friday.

So, I told myself to suck it up. (For those in Sub-30, I literally told myself #SIUP!) I threw on my gear, including the glorified fanny pack we runners call a “fuel belt” and got outside. I set out to do 30 minutes and did it. I drained water and fuel as I fought the urge to stop. Suck it up, big boy, you have no excuses.

This was not my fastest 30-minute run. It was one of my most satisfying. It was hot, hard, and sweaty. The smile I had as I finished had to look ridiculous. Good. Ridiculous is good.

One Year Later: The FatMan Learneth

One year ago today, June 2nd, I started the FatMan Chronicles. There have been ups and downs because life. Overall, the personal growth is amazing and there is a lot more to come.

This blog started out with my origin story, the whys of what got me to this point in my life. Those stories are real and contribute to my weight and, more importantly, health issues. What has changed is my acceptance of my past and hope for the future. What I did yesterday does not define my tomorrow. The future is much brighter when you are not constantly living in the shadow of the past.

The two biggest changes are that I am listening more than ever and I accept that I need a community to help move forward. As much as I like to talk, and feel I know it all, this listening thing is a big deal.

There are two sayings that mean a lot more now – you were born with two ears and one mouth and ears don’t shut but mouths do. This means I ask more questions now and don’t just sit there waiting to jump in with my two cents. Well, normally I give at least a nickel. Often a dime. OK, a hundred bucks. But I’m working on it.

Also, experts come from places you’d least expect, or maybe just never looked. When you ask questions, listen, and relax, you’ll find that those around you may know way more than you ever thought possible. My brother and I talk about this often. I constantly listen to what he has to say about weight because he’s never had a weight problem. With over 40 years of weight maintenance under his not so ample belt, he’s an expert on the subject. Just because he doesn’t write a blog about it doesn’t make him any less qualified to lend advice. I may argue he is the ultimate expert on the subject. Since he has run over 25 marathons, I listen to him on this too. Not easy to listen to your little brother but it has served me well.

This dovetails right into my other epiphany – I need more like-minded people around me. Whether it is a couple of Gomers doing a podcast or the Sub-30 Club, I have to seek out people to help move my personal journey forward.

Asking for help has never been a strong suit. I’d rather ignore issues or work them out myself. Not the best approach. Now, I ask questions, seek advice, and maybe dish a little out because I’ve virtually surrounded myself with the right people. This extends into my physical life too as discussions with friends and family often come around to health, goals, and how to make life better.

This past Monday is a perfect example. We had a little food and wine with some great friends and the subject of heredity as a factor in weight came up. It was an awesome debate. The result? It motivated both my wife and me to start tracking our intake and move more. Regardless of who is right about the role of heredity versus effort, there is a positive result from the discussion. The fact that we were even talking about this stuff is crazy to me.

And then there is the Sub-30 Club. A podcast made me look them up and my life changed. The fact that Ted Spiker wrote a little blog post that started a movement that ended up impacting a fellow big guy five years later is a testament to the power of this group. I’ve met zero Sub-30 Club members in person yet they have already helped me through tough patches in my life. The notes of encouragement, the advice, the patience and thoughtfulness that this group extends to every member is nearly tear-inducing. They get it and I encourage all of you to join us. It is not about hitting a certain number on a time clock. It is about a community of support that will help propel you to places you never thought possible. And you will feel infinite love and support every step of the way.

With the support of this group, my friends, family, especially my wife and brother, I’ve accomplished a lot in the last year. Besides the personal growth, which is the most important to me, I’ve done a few more things.

I’ve lost weight. Most would say it isn’t much but not gaining weight year after year is a victory to me. I started at 225 and I’m 219 now. I’ve fluctuated, struggled, complained, almost cried, mostly yelled but weight is down. Victory.

Running is now a regular part of my life. It disappeared for a short time but Sub-30 helped get me back on track. I want to make a critical distinction here. Sub-30, along with my brother and wife, HELPED. Ultimately, I have to do the running so I am responsible. If Sub-30 stops talking to me, I would still run. It is easier to get motivated with them on my side. The village can make the movement easier but they cannot do it for you.

Speaking of running, I’ve completed two half-marathons and a 10K in the past year. I have another half-marathon slated for October where I have my first time goal. I want to beat my PR of 2:42. Going to be tough but I’m going for it. In the meantime, I plan to conquer my 5K PR as I work to the elusive sub-30.

That October race was on the calendar and paid for before I knew about Sub-30 so I’ll miss the big meet up that same weekend at the Runner’s World Festival. I plan to be there next year. Maybe I should have told my wife first before publishing this but she’ll understand and, I’m sure, will be there with me.

The future is going to be amazing. My plans include the running goals I’ve outlined, starting daily meditation (downloaded the app today), a new logo, and a podcast, all while being a father, husband, co-worker, friend, etc. The podcast is important to me and something I’ve talked about doing for years. Without this blog and your support, I wouldn’t have the confidence to do it. Look for it to launch in the next few months.

Finally, the biggest impact this blog has had is on the small community that has come together to read it. When I started it, I said if one person reads one entry and has a single moment of clarity that helps them, then it is worth writing. Selfishly, I needed that person to be me, and it has had a tremendous impact. But something much more happened.

I heard from people almost from the get go that connected with the struggle. Some people I knew and others I didn’t but we all had one thing in common – we wanted to conquer our weight issues to live healthy, happy, productive lives. This blog isn’t about having to lose weight. It is about life and all the challenges it presents. The words of support mean more than I can express in words. When my little blog impacts others, I’m overwhelmed and humbled. We truly are in this together, so thank you for reaching out.

One blog in particular resonated with people. The one about that Young, Fit Couple who decided to discuss what they thought of me when they believed I couldn’t hear. Thousands of people read this one and I heard from so many people. It changed how I look at myself and others. My judge-o-meter has gone way down. We all have to start (and re-start, and start again, and again) so only encouragement and, at times, tough love is necessary. Putting people down does not help, ever. Lift people up or get out of the way so we can show you what we are capable of. I forgive that couple, even for commenting on my potential parenting skills. It isn’t worth carrying the grudge because I’m still moving forward no matter what they think.

I celebrated the year anniversary of the FatMan Chronicles with a nice, easy 5K (screenshot of the run below). Day 5 of a run streak I’m doing with many others in the Sub-30 Club, and my wife. Get out there and move. Be better today than you were yesterday. Lift someone up, even if that person is you. My hashtags are #authentic and #IWFC. I mean them both. Thank you for your support and let’s make the next year the best ever, for all of us!

Keep Moving Forward

I was chatting with a friend who is struggling with weight and fitness and he said this: “It is an effort to even find the effort.”

This is a feeling many of us have all too often. We are intellectually motivated, love how we feel when we move, but are constantly bogged down by the sense of constant effort.

Newton’s First Law of Motion starts with a body at rest will stay at rest unless acted on by an outside force. Man, this is so true, especially given all that we can do sitting on our ample behinds these days. Is it easier to open a bag of Cheetos and watch American Ninja Warrior or pop up and go play FatMan Ninja Warrior? We all know the answer.

Here’s the good news – Newton’s First Law of Motion goes on to state that a body in motion at a constant velocity will continue in a straight line unless acted on by an outside force. In other words, if you make a habit of moving, you’ll keep moving.

I used to make fun of the whole “it take a village” thing. Who needs a village when the motivation must come from within? I was wrong. So very, very wrong.

The village cannot make the decision to get us moving and physically force us off the couch. However, the village can encourage you when kindness is needed and kick you in the butt when you get too lazy.

The important part is you have to choose the right people to live in your little hamlet. Here’s rule number one – Chose optimists! That energy will go a long way with keeping you moving forward.

Rule number two – Find challenges! The corollary is to invite others along on that journey. Runner’s World has thrown a summer run streak challenge out starting today. Well, I accept. How many others are coming along for the long run? Together, we can CONQUER!


(Warning – I’m going to swear here. Possibly a lot.)

Two weeks ago, I threw a self-pity party. I put it in blog form for the world (or a dozen of you) to see. I had a written temper tantrum. All part of the process? Probably. I am trying to be authentic in life and that was a part of it.

My wife knew to leave me be. My brother told me to trust the process and keep moving forward. It’s only one metric. My friends in Sub-30 were this perfect mix of empathy, encouragement, and a much needed kick in the ass.

And it worked. I went for a run and felt better. I even came up with a mantra that I have adopted as my new personal favorite hashtag, #IWFC. I Will Fucking Conquer.

I was pumped. This is what I needed. It was exactly the type of mantra for every aspect of life.

Then life happened and I got down on myself. Work took over. I became crabby and full of shitty choices. Make no mistake, I made the choices. This step backwards was fully conscious.

Having to find a way to constantly reset and pump myself up is fucking exhausting. It is much easier to stay motivated. At least in terms of physical activity. This food thing, well, I still don’t have that solved. I like food. I really like highly caloric food. I also would like to live past 50 and be super active, so something has to give.

Over the last week I’ve come to realize what #IWFC really means to me. It means I will continue to pick myself up no matter how many times I fall (shoutout to Phillip). It means making good choices 80% of the time is a huge victory. It means that I have a lot of life ahead of me to achieve these goals IF I follow these rules.

Focus is a key. A little better every day is the key. Forgiving my failures is most definitely a key. Excuses are poison and have no place in life. #IWFC embodies the life I’m living now and in the future.

I hope others join me and hashtag #IWFC out of their posts. #IWFC is so much sweeter when you get to share the conquering with others.

Frustration Hitting Volcanic Levels

It’s been three weeks since I last blogged. I decided to really concentrate on my eating habits and other aspects of my health journey. Well, it started it out well but now I cannot even explain how frustrated I am.

I lost nine pounds in the first 11 days. Dramatic if taken out of context. I am a big guy (duh, the point of the blog) so that much weight when cutting out sugar and white flour is to be expected. Plus, there is water weight involved in the beginning.

In the next 11 days, not only does the scale not move down, I gain 2.5 pounds back. Why bother?

Why sacrifice if I can’t lose the weight anyway? And I don’t want to hear about “overall health” because without the fat coming off, I’m still in danger of major health problems. Healthy and fat may be possible but it is rare and I’m not going to count myself to be that lucky.

I’ve hit this problem in the past and given up. I think anyone who struggles with weight has been here. Most of us just give up, hence the obesity epidemic in our society. 

It’s so much easier to go ahead and just eat whatever I want. Keep running, working on my core and strength, and hope for the best. My running times are coming down. I like the hard work there and see results.

As I write this, I’m not sure what I’m going to do. Right now, I really want to head out to breakfast, order a giant plate of biscuits and gravy with a side of pancakes, and eat myself into a food coma. 

I want to run. The problem is my mind is just messed up with this inability to continue to shed pounds. Looking back, I always seem to struggle to get below this 215ish pound zone. I get down to about 212 or 213, then bounce back up, get frustrated after a couple of weeks and go back to unhealthy habits.

The choices are clear – suck it up and find different ways to adjust until progress is made or give up and live like an unhealthy fat guy. I know right now the easy way, the way I’ve always taken, looks really good. I mean it looks like a road paved in pizza good. 

And the worst part, I really don’t know what I’m going to do. I’ve written some hard blogs over the past 10 months. This one is as tough as any. When I’ve reverted back in the past, I did it in anonymity. I just did what I wanted and slowly gained weight back. I was fat anyway, so it wasn’t much of a change.

Now, I have made this more public. Granted, it’s public with mostly people I know, there’s nothing on the line except personal health, but it is still a much bigger deal in my head. I’m not afraid of failing publicly. And I could have just stopped the blog, no one would have said anything.

So, what am I going to do? I don’t know. And that’s the worst feeling of all.