I haven’t written a post for nearly three weeks. The reason – I feel like I’ve lost something.
I’ve been struggling for sure. Logging food has become a tiresome grind. My will to care about my long-term health is severely compromised. There is a void inside me.
Work has been tough. I use that as an excuse. How can I care if I don’t have the time? How can I log food if I’m so stressed? The easy way out – excuses.
The part that really scares me is the void. I’ve been through this before. I fill that void with food and laziness. That’s the pattern.
This time is a bit different. I’m filling the void with food and… running. Is that better?
But the excuses. Maybe the excuses and the void are related. Maybe they are two sides of the same coin. And I figured it out this time and stopped the weight gain, so maybe I’m ok. Maybe this is normal.
I know normal for me is different. When people see me and they say something about my weight loss, I am uncomfortable. And when this happens, the void grows.
After a lot of reflection and looking as deep as I can within, I think I finally discovered the truth. I’m losing a huge part of my identity. To hold onto it, I look for excuses and self-sabotage.
A huge part of my identity for nearly 30 years has been as a fat guy. I see myself this way and most others have too. If others start to see me differently than I see myself, a part of my identity is lost. What am I if I’m not the fat man?
It is much easier to go back. I can regain this identity so easily by eating a little more, regardless of how much I run. I can’t run away from the problem. I want to run to a solution.
If you find my identity, keep it. I do want to change and I’ll have to leave that part of me behind. Maybe I’m not quite ready but I’ll get there.