I can’t sleep tonight. This isn’t all that unusual, I’ve never been a great sleeper. This is likely due to my mind working all the time which I see as a blessing and a curse.
Tonight I’m scared and angry. And feel so alone. This is awful because I know I’m not, but I can’t shake the feeling.
The reality of my situation is becoming clearer in a more profound way. I turned 46 last month and the older I get, the harder this is. My health sucks and it is my own fault. Tough truth.
Case in point – my resting heart rate. When I was training last fall, I got my average resting heart rate down to 65bpm. Now it is 77. 77! Seriously, I’m a heart attack waiting to happen if I don’t get my ample rear in gear.
Running this time after taking time off is a HUGE struggle. I’m just not getting my wind at all, from the moment I start to move. One mile is a struggle. This discourages me and then I just don’t do it. Why bother?
These are hard truths to face. So, what am I going to do about it?
First, I am not alone. I know I have family and friends that are there for me. But that really wasn’t what I meant anyway.
I feel alone in the battle. I feel like I’m the only one that has these issues right now. That cannot be true. Actually, I know it isn’t true because I’ve heard from people that have read this blog about their struggle. (And don’t think for a moment that the fact that anyone reads this blog doesn’t shock me. It’s humbling in a way I’ve never experienced.)
Maybe I need to talk to people more openly and more often about the struggle. The battle cannot be won alone. I’m responsible for my own actions, but I don’t have to be a loner.
Maybe I need to make more drastic changes. Am I too lenient? Or am I just weak? My gut (pun intended) says some combination of those things.
Whatever I need to do, I need to figure it out. I’m not depressed or worried that there is NO way to figure it out. Yet. If I don’t do something to get on track soon, I’m aware that these types of more serious issues can manifest in even unhealthier ways.
Every good choice matters. Every step matters. Every moment I spend working to improve really matters. The goal is to string together more of these components to break the terrible habits I’ve spent years developing.
I’m not alone. I just need to find a way to work within myself and with others to live a healthy, productive life.