Quieting the Voices in My Head

That picture doesn’t lie. I’m bent over helping my little girl hold a hockey stick for the first time. It’s an awesome moment, a bonding moment. My wife captures it and posts the digital image.

And all I can think is, “I look awful still.”

I’ve been telling myself that I don’t care about what I look like. The voices in my head tell me I’m a liar.

How do I quiet these little devils? I’ve lost over 20 pounds. I’m able to run faster than I have in over a decade. My strength and energy are up. All of this should outweigh what I look like at some snapshot in time.

The balding head doesn’t help. Neither does the fact that the clothes are a little big now, it makes me look sloppy.

But the biggest problem is the mental fat. No matter what, I believe I’m a fat guy.

The eating plan is going really well. Others on the plan say, “The cravings go away. All that food you used to like won’t even look good.” Bullshit.

All that food looks amazing. I want it. I want it so bad. I don’t eat it only because I don’t want to let my wife and family down. Plus, this podcast thing is a really good way to stay accountable.

The voices are loud because they’ve been there for over 30 years. It’s tough to quiet a decades old storm.

The voices are there this morning and they are strong. Maybe they know it is an off day from running. Running helps them simmer down. Meditation didn’t work so well today. Willpower it is today. And visualizing the future. Maybe I’ll write these voices an obituary because, in the future, they need to be dead.