Self Talk: Part 1
So where do i begin….
I want my own divine inspiration. Maybe it is all me. Maybe I just need to work it up. Raise my standards like Tony says.
Seems so hard. Is life supposed to be hard?
I find myself with more and more questions on the sense of what makes sense.
I am nervous because a lot of the christian paradigms are starting to not make since to me anymore. I love God. I want what is right and good. I want a higher purposes. But I am just trying to wade through all the noise that is thrown around and just find some truth. That seems the hardest thing to place sometimes.
Be who you are.
I have responsibilities…. There is a type of guy in my head I want to be. And I feel my apathy getting the better of me. I feel addicted to this apathy. This sluggishness is in my marrow. How do you fight something in your marrow? Condition yourself for easiest effort.
When did it change? When did it change from living life with some grit and focus…feeling it in your body…in your being…… changed to being something your saving yourself from the pain and inconvenience it now brings.
When did our inconveniences change? When did living life start to become inconvenient. Who sold us on this idea? No…. really? Who sold us on this idea that it is too hard to be in control. It is too hard to think for ourselves outside of the demands that are placed on us by responsibilities. You might as well be dead. You’re not living. You’re not breathing. You’re not thinking. You’re not fighting.
We all feel like sleeping beauty…victim of whatever that stops us in our tracks. But some of us get to comfortable. We enjoy sleeping and it is just to bright outside anyway.
You slow down. And you slow down…. and you slow down.
And you turn off the engine that drives you inside. You turn it off and you rust. Weeds start to grow around you. Things start getting into your life you never wanted to invite in. You have this taste and this desire inside of you still but it’s too hard to get this ol’ rusty soul cranked up. I have been sittin for a while and maybe next time. Maybe tomorrow.
Maybe sometime, maybe, maybe, sometime, sometime.
……..
………….
……………… Then you just stop talking about it all together.
March 31st, 2010 at 12:04 pm
Wow… thought provoking post… The image here of the fit man inside of the really big guy is powerful, sobering and very thought provoking… wow. I don’t think that your post here is just limited to us “fat folks” though. I believe it touches most people in many ways. I think the ones that go far beyond & walk the walk they truly determine to… are the minority. My humble words to your readers: It is so important to change & wake up & feel & live & move… move… move… until you wake up one day & “wake up” to find you have become like some (I’m one) who is very limited in mobility. I am fighting to get my health, energy & mobility back. I cherish the thought of once again just being able to walk & go & do things without thought of the limitations. Move, live & do it now before it becomes even more challenging to get yourself healthy again. I wish I had not let my work & a million other excuses take precedence over my own well-being & health. When I hear Chad going to the gym every day & committing himself so strongly to change in so many ways, it thrills me for him, reminds me how thankful I am again to be his Mom… but it also challenges me to keep committing & to not accept my own excuses anymore! I hope it challenges you in that way as well…
As far as Christian paradigms etcetera… I know you love God, I know your heart & character… not worried a bit. All the things contributed to Christianity aren’t necessarily Christianity anyway. So much judgment & craziness abounds in the name of all religions. But Christianity is founded upon the true loving amazing God of the Bible. I won’t go off anymore here because I think as long as questioning is combined with seeking & reading the Bible… not just the world’s view… the truth will make itself known. I know the depth of honor & character you possess. I love & respect you as a son as well as a man. And I am so proud of who you are. I am thankful you are focusing on your health & getting this piece of the puzzle in tune but wow what is inside of you now & I see you continuing to develop… You are destined for great things. Yes I am your Mom… but it’s true!
I also know the depth of God you have within you. You’ll iron out the details… 
March 31st, 2010 at 12:05 pm
Sorry my post is so long! Your post really made me think…
April 6th, 2010 at 6:43 pm
Today I was introduce to Fatman Chronicles by its creator Chad. He simply asked me do I write and if I do I should check out his blog page.
Now its no accident that Chad told me about this blog I am truly a fat man.
I thought about this for a moment a way to put my thoughts in writing where others can read them and be inspired or inspire me.
Its like I was destined to express myself on this blog, all my life I’ve been the big guy in the room. In elementary school I was Big Larry, in high school I was Big Tim and in college the nick name was hip I was called DaddyBig and now since I’m over 50yrs of age its just the Big Man.
So you fans of Fatman Chronicles get ready to laugh, to be motivated maybe even feel sorry for me. A true heavy weight is on the scene stay tuned.