I want my own divine inspiration. Maybe it is all me. Maybe I just need to work it up. Raise my standards like Tony says.

Seems so hard. Is life supposed to be hard?

I find myself with more and more questions on the sense of what makes sense.

I am nervous because a lot of the christian paradigms are starting to not make since to me anymore. I love God. I want what is right and good. I want a higher purposes. But I am just trying to wade through all the noise that is thrown around and just find some truth. That seems the hardest thing to place sometimes.

Be who you are.

I have responsibilities…. There is a type of guy in my head I want to be. And I feel my apathy getting the better of me. I feel addicted to this apathy. This sluggishness is in my marrow. How do you fight something in your marrow? Condition yourself for easiest effort.

When did it change? When did it change from living life with some grit and focus…feeling it in your body…in your being…… changed to being something your saving yourself from the pain and inconvenience it now brings.

When did our inconveniences change? When did living life start to become inconvenient. Who sold us on this idea? No…. really? Who sold us on this idea that it is too hard to be in control. It is too hard to think for ourselves outside of the demands that are placed on us by responsibilities. You might as well be dead. You’re not living. You’re not breathing. You’re not thinking. You’re not fighting.

We all feel like sleeping beauty…victim of whatever that stops us in our tracks. But some of us get to comfortable. We enjoy sleeping and it is just to bright outside anyway.

You slow down. And you slow down…. and you slow down.

And you turn off the engine that drives you inside. You turn it off and you rust. Weeds start to grow around you. Things start getting into your life you never wanted to invite in. You have this taste and this desire inside of you still but it’s too hard to get this ol’ rusty soul cranked up. I have been sittin for a while and maybe next time. Maybe tomorrow.

Maybe sometime, maybe, maybe, sometime, sometime.

……..

………….

………………   Then you just stop talking about it all together.

I got a chuckle out of it as I think every true fatty has thought this at one time or another. I know I have. We would never do it of course but this illustrates the frustration we have with our weight. This angst of desperation building up inside, wanting more out of life.

DON"T CUT YOUR FAT OFF. Healthy Tip for the day from FMC.

Well I want to tell you fatty google guy that you are normal. Please don’t cut off your fat…. we don’t want you to actually harm yourself…. but I don’t think you wrote this to actually see if you could. I think you wrote this out of shear frustration from what fattydom is doing to your life. And I say, “Good!” We need to get some angst and frustration….. we need to use that feeling for us instead of against us. How do you do that. Sit down and write out why you want to cut your fat off. Take some time for yourself and invest back into your well being. Sit down and write out all the ways that your weight is trapping you from your desires. Write out all the ugly parts that no one sees. Write out how it pisses you off. Get it all out. Now read over it a couple of times until you read it and the whole letter resonates and articulates all of your feelings of fatness and frustration. Now write out all the things that would be different if the weight were gone. How you would feel, think and live. What differences would be your favorite.

Now look at them both side by side. Now realize that all your small choices day to day have led you to one of these papers. And I can probably bet it isn’t the one you like. So what do you do? Take the sobering moment and use this extreme thought of cutting off your fat for you and not against you. Start cutting off things from your life at the root of the issue. Your daily choices. You must change the way you live. Your career, kids, marriage, etc. is a direct reflection of your choices….. so is your fattydom. Want out of the fatty club? Then you have to choose it daily like an alcoholic chooses to not have a drink daily. Choosing to say no to destructive momentary pleasure for the pleasure of enjoying a full life. It begins with you having some personal responsibility over your choices and where they lead you.

You didn’t get here because your gut decide to revolt against your body and make you fat. This is a symptom of unhealthy choices. It hard to hear that sometimes so I applaud you if you made it this far.

One thing you know by looking at this guy. It wasn't genetics.

Want to hear the good news? The great thing about this is your not trapped to a life of addiction. As your learn and change your choices you will go from feeling the frustration of an unhealthy life to feeling the numerous rewards of a healthy life including putting the unneeded shears away Look at your list you wish your current choices led you to. Add your dreams and desires in life and start making the small changes daily to get you there.

I was talking with my Exercise Physiologist yesterday about my comprehensive workout plan. I asked him what he would say to those fat people out there wanting to get back in shape… wanting to join a gym…… but they get to the gym and they don’t know where to start. His advice? Just start something. Instead of cutting off the fat with something sharp cut off the fat with your daily choices. You know that is the only way it is going to happen. You have to decide, fight, sweat, plan, prioritize, follow through, and and and. You know what you need to do to get started…. and the good news is you don’t need to know everything to get started. You know enough to get started. No more excuses. Start walking until you figure out what you should do next. Start eating fruits, vegetables, and grilled chicken until you figure out a healthy diet that works for you and your needs. Just Start.

Quit playing dead in life. You want more out of life apparently or you wouldn’t want to get rid of the hardship that you feel is holding you back. Living starts with choosing to live every day. Tomorrow will always be tomorrow. All you can control is today. So make today count. You may not see the end result today….but today mattered just like your past days mattered to the point that your contemplating grabbing the scissors. Each Day Matters. The affects of today will reflect in your future. Let today be the day you decide to live again.

Now the questions is….. do you want your life back? Grab a pen and some paper and begin reclaiming it back. You can do it. I believe in you.

Sometimes too much fuel is to much fuel. So have some leftovers!

One amazing thing I have rediscovered is leftovers! Holy Crap why have I not been doing leftovers in the past?! There is something about taking control over your food on your plate and saying “no” to some of it. You get to practice saying no for your well being’s sake….and the best part is you are saying no for “now” and enjoying it later which you will then be thankful for. Who knew that the simple act of actively choosing to set aside some of your meal for leftovers would be a helpful weight loss tool.

You know I may be a fatty that commonly didn’t have leftovers or even portion control, but all these small little changes add up. And that is what I have to remember. The small changes are what add up and make the victory happen.

I feel like I have grounded myself away from food. I want it, but I can’t have it because I am grounded and I am not allowed until the punishment is over and I have learned my lesson and recovered my health. I guess in a way it is exactly that…..frustratingly that……but necessary for my growth as a person. I am choosing to do some self parenting and no longer be this kid staying up past his bed time, eating dessert for breakfast and doing whatever he wants because he can….. since no one can tell him “no” anymore.

I remember growing up building a list of all the things I wanted to do when I got free and on my own…… it consisted of things like watching “White Man Can’t Jump” (wasn’t allowed to see it because it was rated “R”) and “Showgirls” (Obviously……….boobies!!!) and eating a whole thing of cookie dough and a full pack of pop tarts…..and…..and…..and…… everything else my Mother for good reason said I couldn’t do. So I got old enough to be on my own and guess what? I did those things and haven’t stopped and more until I finally said “No!” at the beginning of this year.

I chose to grow up….really grow up… not just grow older. So many people stay at a certain age of maturity…..their entire lives…… it is sad….meeting 40 year old who is 12. It took me till I was 27 but hey, at least I am not 40.
So thus, I am grounded……for the goal of becoming more grounded in right thinking and right habits………miserable at time, but appreciating the fact that I know it is good for me.

I put on the weight in small amounts so it makes since that these daily small victories will help me reach my goal. What small victory can you make today toward your BIG goal?

What we don't see sometimes is what makes us.

One of the items I had to do in the application process for the weight loss reality tv show was to answer some questions. Who knew questions could be so challenging and hard to answer when your trying to be open, honest and real about your struggle. I found that answering these question really helped open my eyes in a bit to my own questions I like to avoid in my head. This process helped me take responsibility for my life by offering clarity…..with out some wise sooth sayer either….. just me talking to myself. So I wanted to share some questions that they gave me to you for you to answer if you so decide. When answering these questions don’t hold back…. you don’t ever have to show anybody your answers…..this is for you. Oh and there is one caveat……. you have to answer all the questions in third person. (Example: John grew up in the Bronx and is full blooded Italian. He’s the youngest of three boys…”)

1. How have you gained the weight? When did it start and why do you think it did?
2. Who do you live with? Do you rent or own? Do any family members live near you?
3. Any family members who are also overweight? If so, where do they live?
4. Are you married? kids? Single? Describe current family life.
5. What was life like growing up? Give us some backstory on family life. Did growing up affect weight gain? If so, describe.
6. On a “bad” eating day when you are not being healthy, take us through everything you eat.
7. Ever been thin? Ever lost weight? If so,describe.
8. What is your career? What was your career? Does weight affect your job?
9. Have you ever had weight loss surgery? If so, when? Includes gastric bypass, lapband, etc.
10. What is your motivation for doing this? What are the reasons you are ready to change their life.. ALL of the reasons. (What are the things you want to do when you lose the weight)
11. What obstacles/challenges have you gone through or overcome to date?

These answers are deeply personal even in my transparent attempt at life so I will only give you a few of my answers for you to read. And remember….. you don’t have to be afraid of your story….. it is the very thing that will help you get to where you want to be if you allow it to. I had to remind myself that my life story isn’t a failure, it is an opportunity to overcome… an not just be normal….but be extraordinary…. cause who wants to be ordinary anyway?

1. How have you gained the weight? When did it start and why do you think it did?

•    When Chad was a young lad he was he was never thin, but was not really overweight until he became a teenager. As a child he was very active. His mother would take them hiking and camping and he would stay outside playing with friends until the last possible moment before he had to come back inside. Kids could be cruel and they made fun of him when he was younger. His mother would talk to him about self worth and he clung to her advice. But he also found himself clinging to her vices as well when it came to food. She had a rough life and turned to food as a coping mechanism, which Chad picked up easily. His mother was (& is) also quite overweight. She has had weight challenges for much of her life as well. Being a single parent working hard to provide and usually in a management capacity, she worked fast-paced very demanding jobs. Often exhausted by day’s end, at some point she began to replace camping and hiking to taking Chad to movies and out to eat at nice restaurants as a way to “treat” them. Chad began to gain weight each year until he was about 100 lbs overweight by age 17. As he grew up, he witnessed his mother’s struggles with weight. She would try all sorts of diets, losing and gaining hundreds of pounds. As he witnessed her roller-coaster ride with weight and the struggles and anxiety associated with it, he couldn’t see consistent long term benefit in it. Most diets typically lasted about a month or so at a time and ended with frustration. 
 
When he was younger he would sneak food here and there from the fridge. As he got older and was on his own, he no longer had to sneak anything. He could freely buy and eat what he wanted, but as he did he started putting on the pounds more rapidly. While he was in College he had a gym membership provided to him through the school. He worked out every day with friends, and lost 100 lbs. over the course of a 2 year period. Once he got out of school and no longer had a gym membership, it was easy to let exercise go. He began to eat out more than shop for groceries. He also began to enjoy lots of rich coffees & smoothies, and generally began far too often to depend on fast food to fuel his “on the run” fast-paced lifestyle. He had (& has) a busy work life and social life, and rarely got the sleep he needed. He felt trapped. When he did decide to get his eating under control, he felt so out of control that only extreme methods seemed to offer help in getting his mind back in shape, to get his body back in shape. He would resort to fasting either with all liquids or, all water from time to time, and achieve good temporary results but not long lasting results. His work is mentally active versus physically active. Sitting in front a computer all day led to a very sedentary lifestyle. He grew frustrated as he felt his body slow down as he put on the weight. He ended up gaining another 200 lbs and felt stuck; stuck in life, stuck in his career and stuck in his body. He continued to maintain his very fast-paced lifestyle, but he laboriously dragged around his body everywhere he went. He wants his life back. He doesn’t want to lose his life before he was ever able to really fully live it.

5. What was life like growing up? Give us some backstory on family life. Did growing up affect weight gain? If so, describe.

•    Chad grew up as an only child of a hard working single mother. She had a verbally abusive Father who really affected her self image as a young girl and it carried over into her adulthood. She went through some heart wrenching seasons of life which led to her meeting and marrying Chad’s father.  His father also had many issues from abuse that he suffered in his life. He was verbally and physically abusive to both Chad’s mother and him, but mostly his mother. When his mother had Chad, her whole life changed and was focused on being a good mother that took care of her son. For the safety of their lives she left his father…… first going to an abuse shelter….then moving to SC to start fresh. Chad’s father was a messed up man at the time and decided to run from paying any child support. After some substantial efforts made by Chad’s mom to establish healthy communication and financial support from his father and seeing that he wanted to avoid paying child support over his responsibilities as a father, she gave up on him and decided to trust the Lord. He wanted to run so she let him run and took on the sole responsibility as she actually had been doing already, in taking care of and raising her son. She worked hard and provided but chose for Chad’s benefit, to never get into a relationship with any man again until Chad was 20 years old. Food was a coping mechanism she used to help her through. As Chad got older they began to enjoy food together. She worked hard and by the end of the day was burnt out. This affected what they did as a family, which led to more sedentary activities like going out to eat and watching movies. As a child Chad was very active and was out playing until it was “time” to come in. As he grew older this began to decrease as he began to participate in the treat of “eating” and watching movies and doing relaxed activities. It was about enjoying their free time in life. This change really affected Chad’s weight and he began to put on the pounds. By age 19 he was at 450 lbs. and frustrated over his weight. He then left to go to Atlanta to go to school.

6. On a “bad” eating day when you are not being healthy, take us through everything you eat.

•    When Chad is on a “bad” eating day it should be considered a “binge” day. Whatever is around he binges on. So if he decides to go to a restaurant, he orders a lot of food and leaves no leftovers. He prefers buffets for the most “value” (and by value he means quantity) for your buck. When he is at home it consists of ordering food in. For example if he orders Chinese food, he would order a combination plate that comes with fried rice and an egg roll, two orders of steamed dumplings, another appetizer, some soup and a 2 liter of coke, and finish it all in one sitting. If he is at the store stocking up for a binge session, he would stock up on all the taboo foods ranging from treat cakes to large multiple juices and drinks, meats, cheeses, ice-cream and cereal. He would purchase everything he could possibly think of and afford as he walks up and down the aisle. When he gets home, all he bought would never last got more than a couple of days. When he goes to fast food his selections consist of multiple items from the value menu, and averaging to around $10. So he would purchase 8 to10 items off of the value menu. These binge sessions typically happen around payday for a few days. Then money gets tight and he conserves until he can “treat” himself again the next time he gets paid.

9. Have you ever had weight loss surgery? If so, when? Includes gastric bypass, lapband, etc.

•    Chad has never had weight loss surgery of any kind as he felt that he would be cheating himself from the growth as a person from experiencing the journey with discipline and what it would teach him. The journey is a reward to him just as much as the destination. He realizes that the journey is ongoing for the rest of his life and wants to climb and conquer his mountain and not just take an escalator to the top.

10. What is your motivation for doing this? What are the reasons you are ready to change their life.. ALL of the reasons. (What are the things you want to do when you lose the weight)

•    Chad is 27 and miserable with the limitations of his weight and the road ahead of him if he doesn’t choose now to change his path. He doesn’t want to die young. He doesn’t want to be a burden to his family. He wants to be able to tie his shoes and wear a belt. He wants to feel good about his health and the way he looks when he sees himself in the mirror. He doesn’t want to be “Big” Chad anymore. He wants to marry his amazing girl and create a life with her, but feels he can only do so responsibly and out of real love for her and their future, after he gets this issue under control. He wants to look good on his wedding day. He wants to have a family and enjoy the many pleasures of not being out-winded by kids. He doesn’t want to be prejudged in his career aspirations anymore. He wants to enjoy running for the first time and playing sports. He wants to feel like he looks good naked. He wants to enjoy an amazing sex life. He doesn’t want to be concerned about his weight breaking household items. He wants to wear clothes that fit his personal style and are affordable, instead of wearing clothes that are just large enough. He wants to take his shirt off….often….and feel comfortable. He wants to shop for clothing at stores again instead of on a website. He doesn’t want to be embarrassed getting into a car. He doesn’t want to be concerned about the layout of the restroom and if he can use it. He doesn’t feel like being looked at by kids with eyes wide open in awe. He wants to sit in a booth at a restaurant. He wants to enjoy seeing himself (his whole body) in pictures. He doesn’t want to be the fat guy with potential to be good-looking, He wants to be good-looking. He wants to be a “man” to himself, and defeat this. He wants to go hiking and do extreme activities. He wants to go to theme parks and ride rides. He is tired of worrying about weight limits. He wants to fit in one seat on a plane and in a movie theater. He wants to be able to do push-ups and pull-ups and feel strong. He wants to be able to weigh himself on a normal scale. He wants to swim to the bottom of the pool (fat people float). He doesn’t want to feel this tired anymore. He wants to see his ankles not just the swollen mess around them. He wants it to be easier to put on socks. He wants to have a “lap” again. He wants to cross his legs and sit “Indian style” if he so chooses. He wants to have the stamina to dance with his woman. He wants to have the freedom it gives him in every area. With every fiber of his being he wants to live and not just be alive!

Why am I fat anyway?

Honestly. I didn’t think I was THAT bad with my diet and exercise habits. I thought I was just cursed with a slower metabolism than most skinny people. I mean have you seen some of these skinny people eat? They eat just as bad as me. They barely work out and hardly gain weight! I was convinced that I was just as normal as everyone else and was taxed with working harder to have what most people have by default. It pissed me off sometimes when I would think about it.

I thought it was the cosmos working against me. I thought it was my plight in the world that I have to work through. I thought it was…… I thought. I thought. I thought. Excuse. Excuse. Excuse.

The rationalization of a fatty.

The truth is - sense I have been actively reforming my diet and have become more responsibly conscious over what, and the amount that I consume, I have had the staggering revelation of why I am fat. The truth is I am fat because I DO eat a lot & I Don’t exercise enough.….and in the end I am responsible for myself.

It is true that there are quite a few skinny people that have bad eating habits and exercise habits….. the truth is, it is still affecting them. That’s why you hear of people dropping dead at a premature age. Just because they don’t wear the damage on the outside of their body doesn’t mean their isn’t plenty of damage on the inside of their body. At least I have a sign demanding it to be dealt with and to not fool myself. If I allow it, my weight can be my personal lifesaver, if I don’t it will be my coffin.

Bottom line is….. I was pointing the finger and using it as an excuse to keep living with MY poor habits.

I am eating healthy now, focused on proper portions and daily caloric intake. I am amazed when I contrast what WAS my diet to what my diet is now. I would easily consume 7500 calories in one sitting…… not just one day…… one sitting! When it came to me and eating, nothing held me back except for my imagination. Now, if I am splurging, I am eating no more than 2500 calories in a day….. typically less.

The biggest realization that my habits were 100% my issue towards my weight and not any excuse I used in my head…. was watching my girlfriend gain weight as she joined me in my eating habits. A lightbulb moment happened…….. I was at fault. No one else was responsible for this……. just me. I did this. I chose this. I chewed every bite. and made every decision. and now it is rubbing off on my girlfriend. I have to stop this! And so that is what I did.

I decided no more excuses. I have the time. I can choose to eat less. I can choose to eat correctly, healthy. I can choose to exercise. I control my life and it is my body and my future that are my responsibility.

My responsibility.

I don’t want to die prematurely and have people say,

“Chad was such a great guy and had so much potential, I wish he were more responsible with his health, we will miss him.”

I looked up the definition to the word “responsible”. Sometimes we forget what the definition of a word is and replace it with our own watered down over exposed idea of what we think the word means. So it was for me with the word responsible.

The simple task of looking it up set me face to face with what I had forgotten.

Main Entry: re·spon·si·ble
Pronunciation: \ri-ˈspän(t)-sə-bəl\

1 a : liable to be called on to answer b (1) : liable to be called to account as the primary cause, motive, or agent (2) : being the cause or explanation

2 a : able to answer for one’s conduct and obligations : trustworthy b : able to choose for oneself between right and wrong

3 : marked by or involving responsibility or accountability

I had forgotten that I will be called on to answer for my life. I had forgotten that I will be called to account as the primary cause, motive, or agent over my life. I had forgotten that I bear the responsibility of an explanation, to answer for my conduct and obligations. I had forgotten that how I handle my responsibilities is a direct reflection of my trustworthiness. I had forgotten that responsible is having the ability to choose between right and wrong for oneself and choosing rightly. I had forgotten that responsibility and accountability go hand in hand.

I had forgotten and I had allowed myself to forget.

But………today is not yesterday.

Today,

I have chosen to no longer remain asleep to my day to day responsibilities that I am accountable for. I have chosen to wake up and take action. I am choosing rightly. I am choosing actively day by day, now, each moment, not forgetting.

So in the end when I look back and I am asked to account for my life to my friends, my family & my God I can be proud of how I was responsible.

Because in the end, no matter what, I was responsible.